This election. These quarantine months? Years? I mean, surely this has lasted longer than only eight months. My eye wrinkle ratio is clocking this at about one year of aging per lunar cycle. 

The constant screaming headlines and partisan divisiveness make us a country torn in two or more directions. No matter which side of the line holds your allegiance, I know you're feeling it. How could you not when it dominates headlines, Facebook feeds, neighbors' lawns, street closures from rallies and marches through town, demanding store openings, school closings.

I'm not saying I disagree with it. Change comes with protest signs and determination as often as it tiptoes in stealthily, without notice - like those aforementioned eye wrinkles. Our culture changes when the most often silenced shout, "ENOUGH." with barbaric yawps. But these troublesome times have taken their toll on our psyches, our spirits, and our faces.

"I can't wait until this is over," we lament - whether we are talking about the election cycle or Covid. But the truth is, of course, it will never truly be over.

There will be the long-term effects of isolation and loneliness to deal with. Waves of fear and unrest to sail over or drag us under. Side eye glances of distrust to either bore a moat of protectionary distance from the "others," or a handshake proffered over the line to bank peace. We will feel this all for a long, long time.

And it occurred to me this morning that THIS is exactly what it feels like to discover you are an NPE. 

There are a lot of people telling you what you should do, should feel, should say...or more often should not say.

"Your father is still your father."

"If it were ME, I would never..."

"You have to blame your mother."

"You shouldn't blame your mother."

"Family secrets should stay in the family."

Our inner voices go and on like a constant rebroadcasted political debate without a moderator and it is exhausting.

But the thing about NPE that differs from subscribing to a political party is that there are no clear ideologies to follow, no This Way or That Way, despite the fact that people will be holding their signs, telling you to follow THEM. In truth, there is only a tangled unmarked path through the dark woods that is yours alone. No street signs or google maps to guide you. 

There is no one way to do NPE. You have to follow your own inner compass. Is it right to reach out to new family? Should I talk to my mother, should I ignore it all and stay with the family I grew up with? All of these questions are unique to YOU, and the only person who knows what road to choose? You. You're going to walk that lonesome valley by yourself. But that doesn't mean you are alone. 

You are not alone. 

Shut out the noise of the constantly playing political commercials. Tune in to that gentle voice within you and do what you feel is right. You will hear the answers in the stillness of your heart, not the cacophony of the outside world trying to sway you to one course of action or another. Take those skeletons out of the closet and make them dance in the chill October air. Dancing is a hell of a lot more fun than being a secret.

And Vote. Do that too. Make your voice heard.

(When a DNA test revealed I was an NPE – the child of a Non Paternity Event – I decided to write about the experience in order to de-stigmatize the situation, and to let others in the same position know that they are not alone. These are my stories.)